Somatic Book Review of Miranda July’s The First Bad Man

Miranda July
The First Bad Man
Scribner
$16

Before reading Miranda July’s The First Bad Man, set up an airbnb or couchsurf account. Host someone younger and more attractive than yourself, preferably of the same sex.
The night before they arrive, put on a pair of sweatpants. Sit on the sofa and eat half a box of Oreos. Feel gross.
Put on a kickboxing video. Watch it while eating a few more Oreos. Watch another. Eat more Oreos.
Open the book. It is preferred that this reading takes place in one sitting. If one is to get up, it should only be to further stuff his or her face, to further the feeling of self-disgust. Occasional longer breaks may be taken, but only if they are used to watch another kickboxing video. Or, if that gets tiring, watching Jillian Michaels is fine.
Fall asleep on the couch in your own filth.
In the morning, be sure to arrange the house or apartment very meticulously. Put everything in its place. Make sure it is spotless. Have more fitness/fighting videos on in the background while this happens. Make sure to be constantly eating junk food. This is important.
When your guest arrives, act very awkward. Eventually, start a fight. Use the moves you learned in the videos. Be jealous of how attractive they are. Feel inferior.

REVIEW BY SHY WATSON